World Suicide Prevention Day: My Story

I have been wrestling with my heart for what seems weeks now with this topic. Wanting to share, wanting to talk about things that only my closest friends and family know about.
What really triggered my desire to talk was the death of a beloved actor, Robin Williams. The comments that flooded social media calling him selfish and saying that he just wanted attention or other negative comments just broke my heart. My first thought was, "They just don't get it." Then came the thought, "you never get it unless you experience it first hand".
Whether its someone we love that took their own lives, or us that have had the thoughts, desire, or have been in that black hole of despair and were saved by SOMETHING- it's us that get it. It's us that weep for those who take their lives trying to find relief.

In the October 2013 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, The apostle Jeffery R. Holland gave an amazing talk that I listen to almost weekly. "Like a Broken Vessel". He talks about the reality of mental illness. It is a REAL thing. Depression is SO real and he broke through "talk about not talking about it" rule, and spoke openly about mental illness.

"... today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!

No, this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement. I have seen it come to an absolutely angelic man when his beloved spouse of 50 years passed away. I have seen it in new mothers with what is euphemistically labeled “after-baby blues.” I have seen it strike anxious students, military veterans, and grandmothers worried about the well-being of their grown children."

I'm going to go back to his talk in just a minute here, but I want to take a second and tell you my story. It's not action packed. It's not extreme or dramatic, but it's real, and it's true. Truth is, I'm terrified to even be sharing this because of the fear of what others will think of me next time they see me. I'm shaking. I ask that you don't see me for my story, but see me for what I survived and hopefully for those struggling out there too, this can maybe help someone. 

My sweet baby Ashton was born March 27, 2013. He was perfect and amazing and still is. I just love that tiny human of mine.

Soon after his birth, I started feeling edgy, and extremely sensitive. My mom called me out one day and was like "You should talk to your doctor about a small dose of something- you may have postpartum depression." 

Without a second thought, I texted my amazing doctor and he sent a prescription that day. I got it, and began taking it. 

No big deal? I didn't think so either until someone said "you're letting yourself be ruled by a prescription? Why don't you just go out side or do something about feeling sad. It's not that hard. Just suck it up and do what the rest of us do. Fake it til you make it."

All of a sudden I felt like a complete idiot. I immediately stopped taking my medication about 3 weeks into the 3 month treatment and I fell harder and faster into a depression than I ever had in my life. I would be fine as long as Ashton was awake and with me, but once I was completely alone with my thoughts, I was haunted by things I hadn't thought about in years, more negative thoughts about myself and how "awful of a mother and home maker I am" and how I still couldn't "fit into my pre pregnancy clothes" and so many awful, awful thoughts about myself.

Here's where I made a mistake. 1. Stopping intake of medication without consent from my doctor. HUGE MISTAKE. 2. Allowing myself to care what that stupid person said. She didn't know my situation and I shouldn't have cared. But I did.

Over the next YEAR, I put on a brave face, and I pushed myself to the gym, and back to work (too soon after baby), I got out side, I spent way too much money on retail therapy and never once talked to anyone about how I was really feeling. Never once.

Finally, in January I decided maybe I would feel better if I took a few classes in school- maybe bettering myself would help.

One of my classes, we were requited to do a Suicide Prevention Training. We talked about signs in what to look for in people. (Which by the way, every sign and warning she would mention, I was seriously checking off every one of my personal feelings one by one that was in line with her check list. scary?) 

She gave directions to pull out a sheet of paper, and do the following.

Write 3 Reasons to Live.

List 8 People that Would Miss You if You Died.

List 5 Life Events You Would Miss if You Took Your Life.

List 10 People You Could Call in Time of Crisis.

  I did. I filled in all my answers. Class ended and I left. The entire walk to my car, I just thought- with all those red flags I checked off, should I get help? 

But what would people think if I did?

I continued day to day feeling as if nothing was worth anything. My view of myself was awful. I had thoughts of "Ashton and Scott would be so much better off without me dragging them down." (<<< RED FLAG )

But I still didn't say a word. 

I was surrounded in people that would tell me how awesome I was and that were so up for loving me and people who would call saying "I felt the impression you needed someone", and people would just show up at my house with treats wanting to talk and I just kept things light and fake until they would leave. - Even surrounded by so many people, I felt so alone, and completely unloved.

One night, I couldn't sleep. I got up to crochet and trying to keep busy, when the bad thoughts flooded me again. I was overcome with thoughts of suicide, and then worse thoughts like "You're such a failure already, if you even TRIED to commit suicide, you'd fail at that too."  Just these AWFUL, AWFUL thoughts.

I prayed in my heart to help the feelings go away, and to have the courage to wake up Scott and tell him I needed help.. I couldn't physically even lift myself from the couch I was crying so uncontrollably. Then, I looked down on my coffee table and saw my notebook. I flipped as quickly as I could to that page with everything previously listed. At the bottom of my paper, it stated: "If none of this makes you feel better, call 911 immediately and get to a hospital".

I didn't even follow the feelings to TRY to commit suicide. I just went straight to Scott, woke him up and said "I need help. Will you take me to the hospital?"

He shot up panicked and asked if I had done anything. I told him I hadn't but I needed help. He immediately offered me a priesthood blessing and set out a plan for the next day. He stayed up until I was safely asleep, and when we woke up the next day, he helped me get up and out of the house and off to see doctors and professionals.

Words cannot describe the heroic act of my Scott that night. It seems so simple, but in reality, that was a life changing moment for me. I got a glimpse of not only his love and concern for me, but my Heavenly Fathers. Along with professionals, the right medication and church leaders, I've been able to move forward and get the help I needed. I was wrapped up in the arms of friends and family and helped by so many sweet people that didn't even know the impact of their actions.

It's gotten easier to cope with, but the reality is, as happy go lucky as I seem, I've been consumed by such an intense depression and anxiety - like I said before, its now under control, but my greatest fear is going back to where I was. I was so overwhelmed with pain that I couldn't focus on anything else.

With that long story told, I want to say that judging someone for committing suicide is wrong. It's not our place because we will never know the pain that they were going through. We will never know their hearts. As devastating as  it is to lose someone, we cannot let anger get in the way. We have to love them and know that they are in the care of a loving Father in Heaven who DOES know their pain and does know their hearts.

I want to finish with a quote from the previously mentioned talk by Elder Holland:

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters—mental or emotional or physical or otherwise—do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, ¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."

We need to break the stigma and break the silence that surrounds mental illness and suicide. Learn, love and along with those- be kind to yourself as well as others. 

I love you all. 

The World's Best Diet

Hey everyone!

I apologize for taking so long in between blog posts. I keep getting rockin' ideas to blog about, then I forget about them a lot of the time. My husband bought me an awesome Mother's Day tablet though, so now I can write ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE. That, or I may still just keep you in suspense with every post like I always do.

Today's topic is something that has been on my mind forever. Every summer this topic comes up because of course, people want to have their bikini bodies for swim suit season of course!

Which diet is the "Best" diet?

Let me start off by sharing an experience.

I have a super cute friend that has been trying to lose weight. She posted a status on Facebook asking her friends, "Hey guys! I'm just trying to lose weight! I need something that is doable with a busy schedule! What are some diets you've tried or heard of that you like?"

We've all seen this status before right? Here's where the red flags start popping up for me- not the asked question, but the answers given.

"Try cutting out gluten, soy, meat, yellow 6,......etc.etc.etc"

"Go vegan! It's so good for you!"

"MEAT ONLY! Cut everything! Meat and water! No carbs!"


Now, before I get into this, I want to tell you, I'm not a doctor. I am not a Nutritionist. I have a basic Dietitian certification, and I do a WHOLE lot of reading about food, and I have talked to many people, gone to countless classes and studied eating habits of different cultures for years. (weird hobbies..) You may have your opinion, but here is mine.

First. If you're not a doctor, you shouldn't be telling people what is best for them. If you aren't a licensed professional, you cannot legally tell people what to eat, what to do, how to live because you don't know them, their health history, eating habits etc. If it isn't your job to prescribe a diet, exercise plan, etc. Don't.

Second. Nothing against vegans, carnivores or "carb-avores", but I personally believe and have read a TON like previously mentioned, that "cutting out" macro nutrients from your diet is simply not a healthy way to live. I know, I know a lot of you are turning red and starting to swear at your screens. Hear me out-

We as humans are made to need all sort of foods. Yes, ALL sorts of foods, including but not limited to whole foods, fresh vegetables, fruits, meat, dairy, grains, etc.
When you think of any "fad diet", what is something they all have in common? Cutting out a major food group. A few years ago, it was all about carbohydrates. "They turn in to fat the second you eat them!""Carbs are bad! NO CARBS EVER!"
Are carbohydrates bad? NO. What is  bad? Carbohydrates in EXCESS.

Lately, I hear all about cutting meat, and dairy.

"Try cutting out dairy products for 30 days, and you'll see that your body completely rejects it when you try it again after those 30 days!"

Lets be honest- ANYTHING you don't eat for 30 days, you'll build a dislike or intolerance to.
If we're cutting things out for 30 days, lets cut SODA or fast food!

When I was preparing for a body building competition a few years ago, I had cut out fast food. Good thing to cut right?

On a cheat day, I wanted fried chicken so much, of all things! Scott took me out for my fried chicken and the first bite made my throw up. I had given up fast food for so long that my body just could NOT do it anymore with out getting sick. I still, to this day get sick at the sight or smell of fried chicken.

So... going back- I have nothing against vegans or vegetarians for those of you who are reading this thinking I will bash on you. I won't. Being Vegan is HARD. The reason I had picked on you vegans before with the Facebook comments was because, those of you who are vegan know it's HARD.You also know it takes serious research and commitment to be vegan. To COOK everything and prepare everything and read, and study and cook, read, and study some more. With that said, you all recommend being Vegan, but you know not to just tell people "Quit what you're doing and go Vegan cold turkey." Am I right?

My sister is Vegan and she told me of her transition and how long it took to learn, prepare her body etc. It's not a fad diet. It's a complete life style change- so respect.

With that said, here's a note to you vegans and vegetarians from world known weight loss expert, vegan and personal trainer from "THE BIGGEST LOSER",  the hunky Bob Harper.

"Some of you who've read about me in the last several years and thought I was vegan will be surprised to see that I recommend animal proteins at all. There's a personal story behind this.

The "compassion" argument was a big part of my decision to go vegan- I care about the treatment of animals, and I've read and seen the films about the conditions at many farms and slaughterhouses. I have also read about the health and disease-prevention benefits of reducing or swearing off animal proteins. The China Study by Colin T. Campbell is one of the most convincing studies there could be...

So I went vegetarian, then vegan. No animal protein for me! Milk- no, I'll take a soy latte or soy cheese. An omelet? Only if you make it with scrambles tofu. There were veggie burgers ad almond loafs and enough dal and lentils and curries and falafels to fill a stadium. It worked: my cholesterol went down, I lost weight. I felt lighter...

But after a few years, the benefits began to wane. I was fatigued. And I was getting... soft, which was not a particularly good thing of you are a trainer for a show called The Biggest Loser. My own trainer... suggested I needed to reintroduce some animal protein to regain my muscle tone and strength.

..-bringing some animal protein back into my diet helped my energy levels. I stayed lean and felt better."


He goes on to say that he still very much advocates a plant based diet for the most part, but he says later that it's JUST FINE to be a "vegan who eats bacon".

(Quoted from The Skinny Rules By Bob Harper with Greg Critser, pg. 18; Animal Protein and Me)


In conclusion, from my research and life learned experience- the world's best diet is the one you learn in Jr. High health class. The Food Pyramid. Balanced meals- nothing in excess (except for kale and spinach cause they're amazing and veggies and water are unlimited in daily doses.. again my opinion)- is the best diet, unless told otherwise by a health professional.

Talk to your doctor or try other established diet facilities that are run by doctors that you meet with every month or so. Find what works best for you and what makes you happy, and healthy and DO IT. Don't try anything extreme right off.

Extremes are not healthy and never safe. Be careful and love the one and only body you have.

Until next time.

10 Fitness Instructor Must- Dos

As a fitness instructor of 5 years now, I have a LOT left to learn, but there are some things that I have learned when it comes to taking care of ME that I feel the need to share.

Over the last year, since having baby, I have had the hardest time not only getting back into shape, but keeping up good health. I was having a hard time knowing that I had been such an athlete, to find myself with this jello bowl belly and low self confidence. That led to believe that I not only had to tone up, but that I needed to get back to teaching 22 hours a week, as well as my own personal work outs, and doing my food prep, all while being a mom, wife and house keeper..

What. A. Joke.

Thanks to family and friends, and an amazing husband, I'm over that and being realistic. Over the last nine months though, I've learned the importance of self care.

The reality is, as a Group Fitness instructor, this body? It truly IS a temple, and my tool in daily life AND my job. Without a healthy body, I cannot work. So I've gathered some info from other instructors, and this is for you all, my friends who give their lives and bodies to teaching fitness. This is to remind you that you not only need to TEACH fitness, but BE FIT.

In no particular order...

Top 10 Fitness Instructors 

and 

EVERYONE ELSE

Must-Dos

10. PAMPERING.

I know from friends I've asked that when it comes to self care, pampering is the first thought, and the first thing to be forgotten. I know that when I'm exhausted, I'm all about saying, "wow I'm getting a massage/pedi/mani/facial". Do I ever get that pedi, mani OR facial? No. A lot of us are moms. Some of us, moms with like 12 kids, all living at home. You have kids to cart to soccer, piano, dance and mutual. You have a husband to feed! You have a LOT of responsibility. With that said though, you NEED to take time to pamper. If not to feel cute, do it for your sanity. If money is an issue, tell your oldest kid a golf ball and give you a massage. Ask for a massage chair for Mother's day, and then schedule time at LEAST once a week where you have 15 minutes that you just sit on your massage chair, where everyone knows not to talk to you, because it's "Mom's Time". Sound selfish? NO. It's not. You only have one body. One brain. You need at least 15 minutes a day, or one day a month where you treat yourself. Try it. Set a day on the calendar. get a babysitter and GO. OR get a foam roller and roll out before and after your classes, every day without fail.. It's amazing. (I recommend the "Spri" brand or any BLACK roller.)

9. Non-Physical Hobby

My good friend, Annie is my hero. She is a master crafter, quilter etc. With that said, she is also an amazing mom and groupX instructor. She made me realize that even though I myself am a terrible crafter, I REALLY LOVE CRAFTING. I've learned how to do the most random projects, and they make me so happy. It's so important to have something ELSE that you love. A lot of us only get one "day off" of work, so instead of going to the gym, or subbing a class, find something you love, and do it. The other day, I had a day off and I was about to hit a class, just after I had gotten home from my personal work out. Husband, in all his wisdom said, "Andrea... it's your day off. Go do something you love." 

"buuuut I LOVE exercise.."

"BUUUUT you exercise every day. Do something you love."

I pulled out my sewing stuff and I sewed as Ashton stayed next to me and played. I didn't get to do very much but it was so refreshing to do something ELSE. There's no harm in that! Try a craft, try writing in your journal or writing stories or poems. Go to a museum, go to a park. Do something ELSE that you love. Again- for your sanity.

8. End of the night routine.

Every night after I teach, my goal is to leave work at work. Whether it was amazing class, or a semi off class, I leave it there. How? I'm not a country fan. (This has a point). The way I unwind, is I turn on a country music station, roll down the windows and blast that honky tonk until I get home. I do this odd ritual because I need to get the heavy, booty shaking bass out of my head so I can sleep. I know of friends that will get home, turn on the tunes and soak in the tub, or go on a walk. Find a routine and do the same thing after you work out.

7. SLEEP

You need 6-8 hours of sleep. Don't you dare not sleep. MAKE TIME TO SLEEP. Now, take a nap and then come back and finish reading.

6. Continuing Education -KEEP LEARNING.

A lot of us only have time to hit our classes. Again, this is all about MAKING time. Along with other trainings, Zumba Jam Sessions, Boosts, I recommend going to other classes. TAKE a class. Be a student at least once a week. Try other formats that you don't teach too. Find a packed class, and go. Go not only for a good sweat, but to learn, "Why is this class so packed?" "what is this instructor doing to make this class successful?" Be sure to ask a student why they go to this teacher. What sets them apart? Whatever it is, take that and use it in your class. The day you stop learning is the day that you choose to fail. You can NEVER learn enough. My friend Michelle has EVERY certification under the sun, and she STILL goes to other classes and more certifications. Be a Michelle.Keep learning.

5. Take a Day Off

We touched on this a bit before. Basically, if you have a day off, take it. If you've taught 4 classes a day, Monday through Friday, take Saturday and Sunday off. Don't teach. Stay home. Clean, cuddle your kids, do your non-physical hobby, get pampered. Your body IS a temple, remember? Take a day and give that poor body a rest. You only get one body. Give it a break. Set a day that you will NOT work, unless you're REALLY REALLY needed as a sub. But other than that, give someone else a teaching opportunity and you take a day.

4. Good Nutrition

"You exercise so much! You can probably eat whatever you want RIGHT?". Sound familiar? CAN you really eat whatever you want? No matter how fit you are, the answer is No. Here are my reasons. You are a pillar of a healthy role model. You need to practice what you preach and eat well. Eat to survive. You CAN enjoy and splurge on food, but don't you be eating McNuggets 3 times a week and a Bacconater every other day. Eat your veggies, your lean proteins. If you need ideas on what to eat, find a nutritionist or a personal trainer for suggestions. Try a cookbook out. Pick a recipe and hit the store for those ingredients. You need REAL food. Not necessarily Organic or anything. Just real food. Real ingredients. You can do it. Also, take supplements and vitamins. You need to heal and feed those well used muscles. I personally use Fish Oil, Vitamin D Supplements, B6 and B12. That's just me. Ask a nutritionist or your doctor what to take if you need ideas!

3. Exercise OUT SIDE of teaching

I had a training last week, where the instructor said something powerful. "When you teach, that's not your work out... That's THEIR (the student's) work out". Yeeeeah. Make time. CROSS TRAIN. I also hit on this before. You are a pillar of fitness. You have no idea the impact you have on your students when they see you pumping iron or trying another class along side them. It's so inspiring to see your HERO struggling and trying to work out along side you. It humanizes you as well as keeps you real and healthy. You prevent so many injuries when you work and build surrounding muscles. I used to have knee problems until i kicked up the leg days. Do it. You'll see a greater change in your physique, health and class sizes. ALSO, as superficial as it sounds, you need to model what your students "can one day be". You need to look the part. You're selling your class by the way you look. Have you every walked into a class and see an SUPER fit instructor? what do you think? I'll tell you what I say, "WOAH, you're SO RIPPED! I want your arms and back muscles!". Be that motivation for your class. Let them know what they can be! Continually post on social media your before and after pictures and show your students that you NEED to work hard to look the way you do. INSPIRE THEM.

2. Meditation

I'm by far the worst at this. Taking 5 minutes out of your day to sit or lay still and try and clear the mind? Here's my process.... 

"ooooommmmmm.... ooommmmm... ommmMAN I have so much to get done...Ooo is baby awake? ....OmmmmNomnomnom Steak sounds so good.... Man I'm hungry... is that the time?"

Seriously I'm terrible. I've ended up taking a Stress Management class at UVU to figure out how to deal with all my inability to relax. I also found an app that's all about forcing you to sit still through a guided meditation. Give your brain a break. I use this right when I finish my evening rituals and then I sit alone in my living room and meditate when all is quiet, right before bed. I'll tell you, I'm sleeping better, deeper, and waking up more refreshed and I have a clearer mind that's ready to work. Take that time. Empty your brain. Take care of the laundry later, and forget everything that you have no control over, even if it's for 5 minutes.

1. Learn to say "NO"

This one I did save for last. Have you ever gotten to that point where you're teaching 22 classes like I was, basically 5ish classes PER DAY... (which PS is soooo unhealthy, take my word for it)... and then your phone rings... *beeeeep beeeeep Buzzzz Buzzzz* "Hey I need help tonight. Can you sub for me?"

Again, if in a dire emergency, please help a sister/brother out and take the class... but if someone else can, LET THEM. You do not need to be teaching a million classes to be a good instructor. In fact, I'm pretty sure it ends up wearing you down enough to leave you being a TERRIBLE instructor. You're tired... so everyone else gets tired before they begin, because they're vibing off your lack of energy. They end up finding someone that's well rested and pumped for their one class a week... Who are your student's going to go with? The sleepy, unmotivated instructor? Or the ridiculously energetic instructor? Yeah... The second one. THAT, and you age faster, you get injured easier, etc, etc. You're just a downward spiral of an instructor if you overdo. Say no. Just do it. Your body and brain will thank you, and your students will forgive you.

I know this is by far the longest post I think I have ever written, but I do hope that you took time to read it, and that you'll honestly take time for you. You're human. It's okay to act human. 

You don't want to over do now, and end your career in 2 years because you didn't take care of your one and only body.

If this list is completely overwhelming, I understand. Try one thing at a time for at least a week. Find things you love to do, for YOU.

Love you all.