A Personal Essay: A moment that changed me forever.

I've been working on a personal essay for school, and I decided I needed to share!
YES, you read that right. School. I decided, along with my husband, family and Heavenly Father that it was time to go back and FINALLY finish my degree. So now you know my secret! Turns out, I'm a lot closer to graduating than I thought so if I behave, I should graduate in a year and a half - two years with my BACHELOR OF SCIENCE, EMPH. EXERCISE SCIENCE.There you go.
That is why I haven't taken on any new classes when 24 Hour Fitness - Provo closed and why I'm currently just subbing whenever I can!

Okay, so for my personal essay, I was assigned to pick an experience in my life that changed me, and shaped who I am now. Everyone in class has HUGE experiences that shaped them, such as a family member dying, or getting shot or something that I had never really experienced.

I'm not saying by any means that my life is perfection and I've never had a real trial- oh, not at all. I'm just saying I didn't have anything near that magnitude that I felt appropriate to write about. Does that make sense?

But, one thing came to mind over and over, and that was my first experience in a Zumba Fitness class. That moment changed my life forever. You'll see why in this essay, which has yet to have a title, but I hope you enjoy it.

(If you have any suggestions on what to title this essay, I'll gladly take those suggestions! LOVE YOU ALL.)

OH and shout out to my sisters Angie, and Ali for reading, critiquing and being part of my writing process! Another shout out for Angie for being in my story as well as part of this awesome moment in my life.

            Several years ago, I found myself recovering from a brutal knee injury and surgery, lying in bed. For years I had a looming depression and sitting there, doing nothing, feeling like nothing, and being visited by no one except my siblings and parents that lived less than 4 yards away from my room left me with the impression that I was just as worthless as I felt. Even the furniture in my room seemed to mock my loneliness. It was as if my desk would be saying, “Hey, at least I have this lamp by my side. You’ve got nothing, and no one.” I spent most days watching Boy Meets World, crying and sleeping. A recovery which should have only taken two weeks to heal was now onto the eleventh week, and after two rounds of physical therapy, I was still left with a bum leg, a whole lot of pain and about an inch of sanity. I needed to move, and I needed to move now. I limped to my computer and printed off a gym pass to a nearby 24 Hour Fitness, called my older, married sister to pick me up, me being too sore to drive; I asked my mom to help me pull shorts over my bruised and swollen leg and to lace  my beat up white and grass stained tennis shoes and after plenty of struggle, I was off!

            I walked into this new space, wide eyed in awe at how immense this building was, and I became immediately overwhelmed by the sweaty people smell on a hot August afternoon. I remember moseying around the front desk and up the diamond plated stairs slowly with my sister supporting one arm and the railing along my side supporting the other. Angie had just had her first baby a month prior to this so between her extra baby skin, and my swollen, horrendous sight of a knee, the two of us we were radiating insecurity as we passed all the chiseled, fitness model bodies, all the way to the back wall where we found ourselves on the only piece of equipment that we recognized; the elliptical. My fluffy body swaying side to side as my weight shifted to each leg, and my bad knee screaming  with every pound of pressure it carried, I awkwardly started my workout, if you could even call it that. Less than a few minutes in, I heard the sound that changed me forever. The bass of a familiar song was rattling the floor beneath my machine- it was actually most likely the giant man across the room dropping a fully racked barbell, but I like to think it was the music below calling to me!

            I stumbled off my elliptical; the dropping of each beat guiding my footsteps to a nearby elevator I didn’t see until now. I had abandoned my sister in the process, leaving her confused as she chased me to the doors of the elevator, me being in such a trance by this sound that I didn’t even notice her asking me where I was going or how I was even walking by myself.  The doors couldn’t have opened faster as we got to the main floor. I pushed my way out trying to ignore the screaming pain in my leg as I followed the music that had called me from upstairs. This familiar sound shot waves of energy and adrenaline through my blood stream as my gaze shot side to side as if I were in an 80’s romantic movie, looking and searching for “the one” and I saw it- a packed room, with the glass doors fogged up to the ceiling and dripping as if even the walls were sweating. The music was loud and punched my heart as hard and deeply as the bass did before. I limped up the ramp gripping the rod along the side for stability and pulled the door open. Angie, lead the way elbowing the stuffy, dancing crowd so I could get through to the middle of the group fitness room. All of a sudden my entire body was consumed with the music of a familiar tune I had discovered at a Latino club the summer before, and in that moment, it was as if I had been born to dance these moves led by the instructor, at this very moment. I can still remember singing out every single word to this song, and looking over to Angie who was yelling something I couldn’t hear over my singing and the blaring speakers. The song surged through my ears, into my heart and exploded into my appendages and I was filled with real, pure and tangible happiness. I hadn’t felt this kind of elation in months. I completely forgot how fluffy, ugly and insecure I felt when I first walked into the gym, and at this exact moment, I was the star of my own music video. Even dancing as hard as I was, I didn’t feel a single twinge of knee pain because of how thick the energy was in the room was, and how full my heart felt. My legs and feet moved as they had never before and I felt infinite.

            Before I knew it, the class ended, the music stopped and the crowd started to thin as people cleaned up their bags and left the room. I stood in the middle, almost paralyzed waiting for more, not wanting this feeling to leave! I needed to hold on to this joy as long as I could! My poor, postpartum bodied sister panting as she collapsed against the wall behind me, yelled out “I think I just died… I’m so out of shape!”  I held my ground waiting, craving more! I could have gone all night if it meant feeling this way for even a little while longer.

It was that very moment that changed the entire path of my life, forever. I quit my high paying desk job, to certifying to teach dance fitness. I found joy in helping others discover the music within them, just as I had found it within myself. I personally lost over forty pounds that year, kicked my depression in the pants.  I then went on to get jobs everywhere I could, spreading the word and the happiness I felt, and eventually getting my dream job where it all began- 24 Hour Fitness, Provo.

What if I hadn’t taken a chance that day? What if I hadn’t decided to go to the gym? I ask myself that same question all the time. My entire life changed in less than thirty minutes of loud music and Latin dance moves. Growing up, I never enjoyed fitness or exercise or anything more than lounging. My dad is the kind that thrives on his gym time and has dreamed of having an Arnold Schwarzenegger body since he was 13. (You know, younger, more chiseled Arnold). He would drag the whole family to the local rec center, all in our matching workout clothing purchased for us almost every Christmas in hopes that we would eventually like working out the way he did. So, again- what would have happened, had I not turned to the gym that evening? I can honestly say, I don’t know. I have gone on to become a personal trainer, and certified in various formats. I have embraced health and fitness, mine as well as my students and close friends. I have the greatest job in the world.

There’s something freeing about dancing. There’s something even more freeing in trying new things. When we allow change to enter in our lives, or if we welcome and search out new things, I like to think we not only can change our own happiness, minds and fate, but others see our joy, and set out to do the same. I’ve seen it in my life, and in others’, as I’ve taught classes all over Utah, of all ages, shapes and sizes; when we take a step out of our comfort zone, amazing things happen, and great opportunities come that we otherwise would have never had, had we not simply tried. For me, it was a August afternoon to a cumbia song by RKM y Ken-Y. Playing loud music, and letting my body sway, shake and bop to the beat ignited the fire I had been yearning for. When was the last time you played a song loud enough that your body couldn’t resist moving? Dance today, and dance publicly! When people see us freeing ourselves, and letting our bodies move the way they want, it allows them to do the same!
            There is music within us all. Not only did dance fitness save me from depression and a long, boring and painful knee recovery – music set me free.

“Dance- dance often. Because when you express yourself and you allow yourself that freedom, you’re giving a gift to the world and you’re allowing yourself to just be who you are.” [1]

---

[1] Dionne Thomas: Celebrate Your Rhythm, TED talks 

Now is Not the Time to Worry...

I've been loving the feedback and encouragement I've received on my last few posts! This blog was started as an expression of my love of health and well-being, and little did I ever know that it would really include as much as it has about mental and emotional health! Truth is though, health is just that:mental, emotional, physical and spiritual and I'm so glad that I've been able to be a voice for some of you experiencing hard times or looking for someone that can somewhat relate to your situation.

With that said, today's post is yet another humbling lesson I've been learning these days.

For those of you who don't know, my current pregnancy hasn't been as easy and breezy as I'd hoped and it's not baby's fault at all! It's all my health issues and really, I attribute all these issues to my last post baby experience.

After baby Ashton was born, (ALMOST 2 YEARS AGO... I have an almost 2 year old guys...) I was determined to be super mom. Never being a mom before, all I had to base my knowledge of the mom I was supposed to be was on my mom, and my other friends who were moms. Not only moms, but fitness moms.

I'd watched my fellow instructors have babies, then be back to work after maybe a couple weeks after having baby, and they'd be fit already and just these awesome super moms that I just had to be like.

Baby came. No one told me 1, I'd still look pregnant after baby came and 2, that it was okay, or 3 that there's no such thing as a super mom.

So less than a week into motherhood, I lost my focus and my insecurities took over. I was investing money in "skinny wraps" and spray tans, and eyelash extensions and skipping out on nursing baby because I was too busy worrying about me.

Wow. I don't think I've ever like written that down.. or ever acknowledged that I put me before my baby.. That hurts.

I went back to teaching after 4 weeks of having Ashton. I made the craziest welcome back playlist that I wasn't even physically ready for..

I did 5K's and Ragnar, and like 4 new certifications, and so much just to prove that I was back and ready and physically fit when I shouldn't have been even thinking about anything really except enjoying my baby boy. I ended up stress fractures all over my legs and feet, having to run heart and lung tests and constantly being out of work because of how many health issues I was facing.I don't even really remember anything but depression and sadness from my first months as a mom and all because I lost my focus.

I think the hardest part of that whole thing, was eventually talking to my fit mom friends and finding out that really, most of them didn't do anything their first months as moms except nurse and sleep, and nurse and sleep.. that their houses were messes... and that it was okay. They didn't care about anything else in the world except their babies...

That was not the time for me to worry about what I looked like, or what others thought of me.

Reality was, that people thought I was crazy for taking on so much so quickly. Meanwhile, I was just drowning in what I thought was what I was supposed to be doing.

Long story- here's another one, a little shorter.

I attended a certification workshop for another format I took on right at the beginning of this pregnancy. I remember talking to friends there about the Zumba(R) Convention and how I've never been and probably will never go to, because I'm always pregnant and sick blah blah blah.

Before I could even finish, the trainer looked at me and said, "You know, the best decision I made in my career, was to put my number one job before anything else. I'm a mom first. There will always be time for everything else. But you only get to have you little ones with you at home, and little for so long."

WOW. Talk about amazing. Here's this lady who has dedicated her life to fitness and has gone so far in her career - that is also the proudest person ever to be a mom first. She's about family FIRST.

My post today isn't about putting your career on hold, or yourself or love for yourself on hold. It's not about neglect or to give you an excuse to give up your dreams. Just maybe a reminder, mostly for me that there's a time and a place to worry about fitness, and jobs, and dreams and that parenthood isn't the end to all that.

Time will be on our side when we put what's important first.

One of my many mottos this year is "Now is not the time to worry about tomorrow." You're welcome to use it too.

When you're feeling overwhelmed or defeated, sit down for a second and know it's OKAY to not take on the world right now. There will be time for finishing school, or doing that load of laundry, or being a famous fitness instructor or whatever it is you're wanting to do! Don't think that you're missing out.

Don't stress about finances. The time to buy a sweet house will come. The chance to have that awesome car, or sweet awesome outfit will come.

In the mean time, lets take a look at where we are and be grateful. Lets forget the rest. Time to worry will come, but for now, lets focus on today and spend a little more time with our little ones and in our scriptures and doing an extra good job at our places of work whether we love them or not.

Make today amazing because you are amazing. God loves you. I love you.

Power in Positive Thinking

I haven't updated my blog since last September, which isn't surprising. I always have one hit post, then I have to make you wait over 6 months for the next great post.
Today is all about taking a stand and professing what I believe.

I believe in being positive.

I believe in fact, that if you want to change the world, you have to be positive.

Recently, I've been left unable to work. For those who don't know, I'm 7 months pregnant, due with my second baby boy which Scott and I are incredibly excited for.

Once I found out I was pregnant, I had this creeping feeling that this pregnancy wouldn't be a walk in the park- and as it turns out, I was completely right.

I've faced a number of health issues, which really aren't pregnancy related, but to keep baby safe, I stopped working in November.

It's been incredibly hard to not have the extra income or the social benefits I had when I was working but instead of letting that get me down, I decided something: I will not be idle. I will enjoy this part of my journey, and I will stay positive.

Granted, that's a really huge goal for someone as active and party like as me to take on in a part of life where I can't do what I love. But every day is a new opportunity to try again. I won't say I haven't had a weak moment or two, because - DUH yeah I have. But today's post is to express that life doesn't end when hard times come. In fact, I feel a lot has just begun.

"I will not be idle."

I spent several weeks in the hospital receiving IV's at the beginning of my pregnancy and that's where this all started.

While getting fluids, I had 3 hours a few times a week where all I did was lay in bed and watch "Boy Meets World" and the only people I saw were the nurses that would hook me up and check on me every hour. So one day, I decided to not be idle while spending all my afternoons in the hospital. I wanted to get moving and be productive in some way.

I brought yarn and dusted off my old crochet hooks and began designing scarves for friends and family. My husband saw my love for these scarves bloom and suggested starting an Instagram to maybe sell them and receive some sort of payment for all the money spent on this new hobby.
@echoscarfco was born and next thing I knew, I was being involved in loop giveaways, and selling scarves to people in different countries like Japan and Scotland.
I started a website, echoscarfco.storenvy.com and again, just sat back and watched this little business start.

I took an old, OLD hobby that I used to love, reignited that love and made it into something that's benefited my sanity as well as my family.

"I will enjoy this part of my journey."

My last pregnancy, I remember getting to that point where you're just ginormous and you don't even fit into maternity clothing and you just ache and want to hold this baby you've been cooking for the last 9 months-- I was sitting on my moms bed whining and complaining for a solid hour of more.

Once my vent finally ended, she responded with "you need to get up, quit crying and enjoy this. Enjoy this time, here and  now, because you'll never get this back."

I remember being SO OFFENDED. Not like she had been pregnant 5 times in her life or had raised kids of her own right? HA.

In that moment, I was too lame to realize that she was (as usual), right. Nine months really is no time in the grand scheme of things. There are women out there who would trade ANYTHING  to experience these short nine months that I so selfishly was whining about, which leads me to the next goal. To enjoy this and each part of my life and my journey.

I've woken up every day trying to see everything as new and beautiful and set my phone down and just be with Ashton during the day. I've had the amazing opportunity to watch him grow.  Even though I was only working a few hours a day, I feel like there was so much I was missing that now, while I'm not really working out side of the home, I get to experience and love. I've had the chance to teach him things, and explore and garden and color and play and do so much with him. It's been nothing short of magic.

I've also taken the opportunity to learn to budget and Scott and I set goals every few weeks on how to better ourselves. I've also rediscovered ANOTHER long lost love, of cooking and meal planning.

When I teach, I work right in the middle of dinner time so often we would just get take out every night, or just not eat until the late hour of the night- which is NOT BAD when we were in that lifestyle ps.

--WORKING PARENTS- please don't feel in any way you're failing because you eat take out or you don't get to be with your children 24/7. We do the best we can and we shouldn't worry about the rest! This is just me explaining my current situation and again, searching for positives!--

Continuing: I used to spend every summer when I wasn't in school looking up recipes and cooking for my family, which I LOVED. Once Scott and I got married and were both working full time AND we had the world's smallest kitchen spaces, that love got put away until now.

Getting out my fancy knives and taking time to cook healthy and fun meals for my family to enjoy has just rekindled my love of cooking and has motivated me to be a better home maker. Again, looking for healthy and inexpensive meals that I can have ready for Scott when he gets home, and sitting together as a family and enjoying each other after working hard to provide a good meal; It's incredibly rewarding.

Also, for the first time in YEARS... seriously like 5 years, we have clothes in our drawers. We have socks paired. My kitchen is almost presentable ... hahaha! That one will probably never happen.. BUT it's been neat to find things to do that are keeping me happy, and busy and productive. It's been a blessing to learn new things and relearn lost loves to help me enjoy this stage of life.

I also have made time to practice the piano and singing again which I haven't made time for since my indie band days after high school. It's been an amazing stress reliever to go and pound out frustrations on my piano, which I haven't had a piano or time for in again- YEARS. Music was a major part of my life, and where my career was headed at one point. To practice and make time for piano and singing has brought back so much joy too!

"I will stay positive."

This one has probably been the hardest of all, but again, a great goal to start the day with. I won't lie, I've had my share of pretty terrible days that have included those where I'm too sick to even feed my child, day's where I am so weak, all I can feel to do is lay on the couch and cry, the days where I feel like I'm completely alone, and the days where I feel like everything would be better if I could just spend an hour at the gym with my friends and loud music.

We ALL have those days. If we didn't, we wouldn't be able to see the good in them, or the good that follows. We wouldn't be able to cherish those good moments or even overcoming the bad.

So, here's what I've done.

I mentioned previously that I've spent a lot of time falling in love again with old hobbies. That's been a huge blessing; Cooking, practicing piano, gardening, taking charge of our home, being with Ashton.

With the weather as amazing as it's been (which I also completely count as a blessing. Heavenly Father knows how much I love and crave the sunshine.), we've gone on walks and we spend several hours outside soaking up the sun, and playing until Ashton and I are too tired to do anything else!

I've made time to read or listen to happy, and uplifting LDS messages, Ellen DeGeneres audio books and uplifting quotes that just are daily reminders of how amazing life is and how much we need to open our eyes to it.

Loneliness has been my greatest hardship - so what have I done for that? I've set aside time to hang with girls in my ward and rekindle old friendships. Tuesday nights have become "BACHELOR NIGHTS" where I just have my friends come over and watch The Bachelor, and we talk and laugh and make fun of the contestants on the show together.

Also, spending time with my amazing mom and family members has also been huge. I love my family and I'm so blessed to have such a close knit family. Ashton and I just wake up early some days and make breakfast to eat with my mom and I get to listen to her stories about work and the past and I just feel empowered and ready to take on the world after being with her for a couple hours.

 I just want to finish with this last thought.

We have so much to give and learn and do. Depression is still a huge part of my life and although we can't always "square our shoulders and be happy", there is still so much we can do to make a hard situation, less hard. And who knows, we may even look back and realize we made the best of those situations to a point where we even enjoyed them.

Be productive today. Do something you love, and stay positive.

In the words of Anne Frank, "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

I love you all.

World Suicide Prevention Day: My Story

I have been wrestling with my heart for what seems weeks now with this topic. Wanting to share, wanting to talk about things that only my closest friends and family know about.
What really triggered my desire to talk was the death of a beloved actor, Robin Williams. The comments that flooded social media calling him selfish and saying that he just wanted attention or other negative comments just broke my heart. My first thought was, "They just don't get it." Then came the thought, "you never get it unless you experience it first hand".
Whether its someone we love that took their own lives, or us that have had the thoughts, desire, or have been in that black hole of despair and were saved by SOMETHING- it's us that get it. It's us that weep for those who take their lives trying to find relief.

In the October 2013 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, The apostle Jeffery R. Holland gave an amazing talk that I listen to almost weekly. "Like a Broken Vessel". He talks about the reality of mental illness. It is a REAL thing. Depression is SO real and he broke through "talk about not talking about it" rule, and spoke openly about mental illness.

"... today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!

No, this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement. I have seen it come to an absolutely angelic man when his beloved spouse of 50 years passed away. I have seen it in new mothers with what is euphemistically labeled “after-baby blues.” I have seen it strike anxious students, military veterans, and grandmothers worried about the well-being of their grown children."

I'm going to go back to his talk in just a minute here, but I want to take a second and tell you my story. It's not action packed. It's not extreme or dramatic, but it's real, and it's true. Truth is, I'm terrified to even be sharing this because of the fear of what others will think of me next time they see me. I'm shaking. I ask that you don't see me for my story, but see me for what I survived and hopefully for those struggling out there too, this can maybe help someone. 

My sweet baby Ashton was born March 27, 2013. He was perfect and amazing and still is. I just love that tiny human of mine.

Soon after his birth, I started feeling edgy, and extremely sensitive. My mom called me out one day and was like "You should talk to your doctor about a small dose of something- you may have postpartum depression." 

Without a second thought, I texted my amazing doctor and he sent a prescription that day. I got it, and began taking it. 

No big deal? I didn't think so either until someone said "you're letting yourself be ruled by a prescription? Why don't you just go out side or do something about feeling sad. It's not that hard. Just suck it up and do what the rest of us do. Fake it til you make it."

All of a sudden I felt like a complete idiot. I immediately stopped taking my medication about 3 weeks into the 3 month treatment and I fell harder and faster into a depression than I ever had in my life. I would be fine as long as Ashton was awake and with me, but once I was completely alone with my thoughts, I was haunted by things I hadn't thought about in years, more negative thoughts about myself and how "awful of a mother and home maker I am" and how I still couldn't "fit into my pre pregnancy clothes" and so many awful, awful thoughts about myself.

Here's where I made a mistake. 1. Stopping intake of medication without consent from my doctor. HUGE MISTAKE. 2. Allowing myself to care what that stupid person said. She didn't know my situation and I shouldn't have cared. But I did.

Over the next YEAR, I put on a brave face, and I pushed myself to the gym, and back to work (too soon after baby), I got out side, I spent way too much money on retail therapy and never once talked to anyone about how I was really feeling. Never once.

Finally, in January I decided maybe I would feel better if I took a few classes in school- maybe bettering myself would help.

One of my classes, we were requited to do a Suicide Prevention Training. We talked about signs in what to look for in people. (Which by the way, every sign and warning she would mention, I was seriously checking off every one of my personal feelings one by one that was in line with her check list. scary?) 

She gave directions to pull out a sheet of paper, and do the following.

Write 3 Reasons to Live.

List 8 People that Would Miss You if You Died.

List 5 Life Events You Would Miss if You Took Your Life.

List 10 People You Could Call in Time of Crisis.

  I did. I filled in all my answers. Class ended and I left. The entire walk to my car, I just thought- with all those red flags I checked off, should I get help? 

But what would people think if I did?

I continued day to day feeling as if nothing was worth anything. My view of myself was awful. I had thoughts of "Ashton and Scott would be so much better off without me dragging them down." (<<< RED FLAG )

But I still didn't say a word. 

I was surrounded in people that would tell me how awesome I was and that were so up for loving me and people who would call saying "I felt the impression you needed someone", and people would just show up at my house with treats wanting to talk and I just kept things light and fake until they would leave. - Even surrounded by so many people, I felt so alone, and completely unloved.

One night, I couldn't sleep. I got up to crochet and trying to keep busy, when the bad thoughts flooded me again. I was overcome with thoughts of suicide, and then worse thoughts like "You're such a failure already, if you even TRIED to commit suicide, you'd fail at that too."  Just these AWFUL, AWFUL thoughts.

I prayed in my heart to help the feelings go away, and to have the courage to wake up Scott and tell him I needed help.. I couldn't physically even lift myself from the couch I was crying so uncontrollably. Then, I looked down on my coffee table and saw my notebook. I flipped as quickly as I could to that page with everything previously listed. At the bottom of my paper, it stated: "If none of this makes you feel better, call 911 immediately and get to a hospital".

I didn't even follow the feelings to TRY to commit suicide. I just went straight to Scott, woke him up and said "I need help. Will you take me to the hospital?"

He shot up panicked and asked if I had done anything. I told him I hadn't but I needed help. He immediately offered me a priesthood blessing and set out a plan for the next day. He stayed up until I was safely asleep, and when we woke up the next day, he helped me get up and out of the house and off to see doctors and professionals.

Words cannot describe the heroic act of my Scott that night. It seems so simple, but in reality, that was a life changing moment for me. I got a glimpse of not only his love and concern for me, but my Heavenly Fathers. Along with professionals, the right medication and church leaders, I've been able to move forward and get the help I needed. I was wrapped up in the arms of friends and family and helped by so many sweet people that didn't even know the impact of their actions.

It's gotten easier to cope with, but the reality is, as happy go lucky as I seem, I've been consumed by such an intense depression and anxiety - like I said before, its now under control, but my greatest fear is going back to where I was. I was so overwhelmed with pain that I couldn't focus on anything else.

With that long story told, I want to say that judging someone for committing suicide is wrong. It's not our place because we will never know the pain that they were going through. We will never know their hearts. As devastating as  it is to lose someone, we cannot let anger get in the way. We have to love them and know that they are in the care of a loving Father in Heaven who DOES know their pain and does know their hearts.

I want to finish with a quote from the previously mentioned talk by Elder Holland:

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters—mental or emotional or physical or otherwise—do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, ¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."

We need to break the stigma and break the silence that surrounds mental illness and suicide. Learn, love and along with those- be kind to yourself as well as others. 

I love you all. 

The World's Best Diet

Hey everyone!

I apologize for taking so long in between blog posts. I keep getting rockin' ideas to blog about, then I forget about them a lot of the time. My husband bought me an awesome Mother's Day tablet though, so now I can write ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE. That, or I may still just keep you in suspense with every post like I always do.

Today's topic is something that has been on my mind forever. Every summer this topic comes up because of course, people want to have their bikini bodies for swim suit season of course!

Which diet is the "Best" diet?

Let me start off by sharing an experience.

I have a super cute friend that has been trying to lose weight. She posted a status on Facebook asking her friends, "Hey guys! I'm just trying to lose weight! I need something that is doable with a busy schedule! What are some diets you've tried or heard of that you like?"

We've all seen this status before right? Here's where the red flags start popping up for me- not the asked question, but the answers given.

"Try cutting out gluten, soy, meat, yellow 6,......etc.etc.etc"

"Go vegan! It's so good for you!"

"MEAT ONLY! Cut everything! Meat and water! No carbs!"


Now, before I get into this, I want to tell you, I'm not a doctor. I am not a Nutritionist. I have a basic Dietitian certification, and I do a WHOLE lot of reading about food, and I have talked to many people, gone to countless classes and studied eating habits of different cultures for years. (weird hobbies..) You may have your opinion, but here is mine.

First. If you're not a doctor, you shouldn't be telling people what is best for them. If you aren't a licensed professional, you cannot legally tell people what to eat, what to do, how to live because you don't know them, their health history, eating habits etc. If it isn't your job to prescribe a diet, exercise plan, etc. Don't.

Second. Nothing against vegans, carnivores or "carb-avores", but I personally believe and have read a TON like previously mentioned, that "cutting out" macro nutrients from your diet is simply not a healthy way to live. I know, I know a lot of you are turning red and starting to swear at your screens. Hear me out-

We as humans are made to need all sort of foods. Yes, ALL sorts of foods, including but not limited to whole foods, fresh vegetables, fruits, meat, dairy, grains, etc.
When you think of any "fad diet", what is something they all have in common? Cutting out a major food group. A few years ago, it was all about carbohydrates. "They turn in to fat the second you eat them!""Carbs are bad! NO CARBS EVER!"
Are carbohydrates bad? NO. What is  bad? Carbohydrates in EXCESS.

Lately, I hear all about cutting meat, and dairy.

"Try cutting out dairy products for 30 days, and you'll see that your body completely rejects it when you try it again after those 30 days!"

Lets be honest- ANYTHING you don't eat for 30 days, you'll build a dislike or intolerance to.
If we're cutting things out for 30 days, lets cut SODA or fast food!

When I was preparing for a body building competition a few years ago, I had cut out fast food. Good thing to cut right?

On a cheat day, I wanted fried chicken so much, of all things! Scott took me out for my fried chicken and the first bite made my throw up. I had given up fast food for so long that my body just could NOT do it anymore with out getting sick. I still, to this day get sick at the sight or smell of fried chicken.

So... going back- I have nothing against vegans or vegetarians for those of you who are reading this thinking I will bash on you. I won't. Being Vegan is HARD. The reason I had picked on you vegans before with the Facebook comments was because, those of you who are vegan know it's HARD.You also know it takes serious research and commitment to be vegan. To COOK everything and prepare everything and read, and study and cook, read, and study some more. With that said, you all recommend being Vegan, but you know not to just tell people "Quit what you're doing and go Vegan cold turkey." Am I right?

My sister is Vegan and she told me of her transition and how long it took to learn, prepare her body etc. It's not a fad diet. It's a complete life style change- so respect.

With that said, here's a note to you vegans and vegetarians from world known weight loss expert, vegan and personal trainer from "THE BIGGEST LOSER",  the hunky Bob Harper.

"Some of you who've read about me in the last several years and thought I was vegan will be surprised to see that I recommend animal proteins at all. There's a personal story behind this.

The "compassion" argument was a big part of my decision to go vegan- I care about the treatment of animals, and I've read and seen the films about the conditions at many farms and slaughterhouses. I have also read about the health and disease-prevention benefits of reducing or swearing off animal proteins. The China Study by Colin T. Campbell is one of the most convincing studies there could be...

So I went vegetarian, then vegan. No animal protein for me! Milk- no, I'll take a soy latte or soy cheese. An omelet? Only if you make it with scrambles tofu. There were veggie burgers ad almond loafs and enough dal and lentils and curries and falafels to fill a stadium. It worked: my cholesterol went down, I lost weight. I felt lighter...

But after a few years, the benefits began to wane. I was fatigued. And I was getting... soft, which was not a particularly good thing of you are a trainer for a show called The Biggest Loser. My own trainer... suggested I needed to reintroduce some animal protein to regain my muscle tone and strength.

..-bringing some animal protein back into my diet helped my energy levels. I stayed lean and felt better."


He goes on to say that he still very much advocates a plant based diet for the most part, but he says later that it's JUST FINE to be a "vegan who eats bacon".

(Quoted from The Skinny Rules By Bob Harper with Greg Critser, pg. 18; Animal Protein and Me)


In conclusion, from my research and life learned experience- the world's best diet is the one you learn in Jr. High health class. The Food Pyramid. Balanced meals- nothing in excess (except for kale and spinach cause they're amazing and veggies and water are unlimited in daily doses.. again my opinion)- is the best diet, unless told otherwise by a health professional.

Talk to your doctor or try other established diet facilities that are run by doctors that you meet with every month or so. Find what works best for you and what makes you happy, and healthy and DO IT. Don't try anything extreme right off.

Extremes are not healthy and never safe. Be careful and love the one and only body you have.

Until next time.

10 Fitness Instructor Must- Dos

As a fitness instructor of 5 years now, I have a LOT left to learn, but there are some things that I have learned when it comes to taking care of ME that I feel the need to share.

Over the last year, since having baby, I have had the hardest time not only getting back into shape, but keeping up good health. I was having a hard time knowing that I had been such an athlete, to find myself with this jello bowl belly and low self confidence. That led to believe that I not only had to tone up, but that I needed to get back to teaching 22 hours a week, as well as my own personal work outs, and doing my food prep, all while being a mom, wife and house keeper..

What. A. Joke.

Thanks to family and friends, and an amazing husband, I'm over that and being realistic. Over the last nine months though, I've learned the importance of self care.

The reality is, as a Group Fitness instructor, this body? It truly IS a temple, and my tool in daily life AND my job. Without a healthy body, I cannot work. So I've gathered some info from other instructors, and this is for you all, my friends who give their lives and bodies to teaching fitness. This is to remind you that you not only need to TEACH fitness, but BE FIT.

In no particular order...

Top 10 Fitness Instructors 

and 

EVERYONE ELSE

Must-Dos

10. PAMPERING.

I know from friends I've asked that when it comes to self care, pampering is the first thought, and the first thing to be forgotten. I know that when I'm exhausted, I'm all about saying, "wow I'm getting a massage/pedi/mani/facial". Do I ever get that pedi, mani OR facial? No. A lot of us are moms. Some of us, moms with like 12 kids, all living at home. You have kids to cart to soccer, piano, dance and mutual. You have a husband to feed! You have a LOT of responsibility. With that said though, you NEED to take time to pamper. If not to feel cute, do it for your sanity. If money is an issue, tell your oldest kid a golf ball and give you a massage. Ask for a massage chair for Mother's day, and then schedule time at LEAST once a week where you have 15 minutes that you just sit on your massage chair, where everyone knows not to talk to you, because it's "Mom's Time". Sound selfish? NO. It's not. You only have one body. One brain. You need at least 15 minutes a day, or one day a month where you treat yourself. Try it. Set a day on the calendar. get a babysitter and GO. OR get a foam roller and roll out before and after your classes, every day without fail.. It's amazing. (I recommend the "Spri" brand or any BLACK roller.)

9. Non-Physical Hobby

My good friend, Annie is my hero. She is a master crafter, quilter etc. With that said, she is also an amazing mom and groupX instructor. She made me realize that even though I myself am a terrible crafter, I REALLY LOVE CRAFTING. I've learned how to do the most random projects, and they make me so happy. It's so important to have something ELSE that you love. A lot of us only get one "day off" of work, so instead of going to the gym, or subbing a class, find something you love, and do it. The other day, I had a day off and I was about to hit a class, just after I had gotten home from my personal work out. Husband, in all his wisdom said, "Andrea... it's your day off. Go do something you love." 

"buuuut I LOVE exercise.."

"BUUUUT you exercise every day. Do something you love."

I pulled out my sewing stuff and I sewed as Ashton stayed next to me and played. I didn't get to do very much but it was so refreshing to do something ELSE. There's no harm in that! Try a craft, try writing in your journal or writing stories or poems. Go to a museum, go to a park. Do something ELSE that you love. Again- for your sanity.

8. End of the night routine.

Every night after I teach, my goal is to leave work at work. Whether it was amazing class, or a semi off class, I leave it there. How? I'm not a country fan. (This has a point). The way I unwind, is I turn on a country music station, roll down the windows and blast that honky tonk until I get home. I do this odd ritual because I need to get the heavy, booty shaking bass out of my head so I can sleep. I know of friends that will get home, turn on the tunes and soak in the tub, or go on a walk. Find a routine and do the same thing after you work out.

7. SLEEP

You need 6-8 hours of sleep. Don't you dare not sleep. MAKE TIME TO SLEEP. Now, take a nap and then come back and finish reading.

6. Continuing Education -KEEP LEARNING.

A lot of us only have time to hit our classes. Again, this is all about MAKING time. Along with other trainings, Zumba Jam Sessions, Boosts, I recommend going to other classes. TAKE a class. Be a student at least once a week. Try other formats that you don't teach too. Find a packed class, and go. Go not only for a good sweat, but to learn, "Why is this class so packed?" "what is this instructor doing to make this class successful?" Be sure to ask a student why they go to this teacher. What sets them apart? Whatever it is, take that and use it in your class. The day you stop learning is the day that you choose to fail. You can NEVER learn enough. My friend Michelle has EVERY certification under the sun, and she STILL goes to other classes and more certifications. Be a Michelle.Keep learning.

5. Take a Day Off

We touched on this a bit before. Basically, if you have a day off, take it. If you've taught 4 classes a day, Monday through Friday, take Saturday and Sunday off. Don't teach. Stay home. Clean, cuddle your kids, do your non-physical hobby, get pampered. Your body IS a temple, remember? Take a day and give that poor body a rest. You only get one body. Give it a break. Set a day that you will NOT work, unless you're REALLY REALLY needed as a sub. But other than that, give someone else a teaching opportunity and you take a day.

4. Good Nutrition

"You exercise so much! You can probably eat whatever you want RIGHT?". Sound familiar? CAN you really eat whatever you want? No matter how fit you are, the answer is No. Here are my reasons. You are a pillar of a healthy role model. You need to practice what you preach and eat well. Eat to survive. You CAN enjoy and splurge on food, but don't you be eating McNuggets 3 times a week and a Bacconater every other day. Eat your veggies, your lean proteins. If you need ideas on what to eat, find a nutritionist or a personal trainer for suggestions. Try a cookbook out. Pick a recipe and hit the store for those ingredients. You need REAL food. Not necessarily Organic or anything. Just real food. Real ingredients. You can do it. Also, take supplements and vitamins. You need to heal and feed those well used muscles. I personally use Fish Oil, Vitamin D Supplements, B6 and B12. That's just me. Ask a nutritionist or your doctor what to take if you need ideas!

3. Exercise OUT SIDE of teaching

I had a training last week, where the instructor said something powerful. "When you teach, that's not your work out... That's THEIR (the student's) work out". Yeeeeah. Make time. CROSS TRAIN. I also hit on this before. You are a pillar of fitness. You have no idea the impact you have on your students when they see you pumping iron or trying another class along side them. It's so inspiring to see your HERO struggling and trying to work out along side you. It humanizes you as well as keeps you real and healthy. You prevent so many injuries when you work and build surrounding muscles. I used to have knee problems until i kicked up the leg days. Do it. You'll see a greater change in your physique, health and class sizes. ALSO, as superficial as it sounds, you need to model what your students "can one day be". You need to look the part. You're selling your class by the way you look. Have you every walked into a class and see an SUPER fit instructor? what do you think? I'll tell you what I say, "WOAH, you're SO RIPPED! I want your arms and back muscles!". Be that motivation for your class. Let them know what they can be! Continually post on social media your before and after pictures and show your students that you NEED to work hard to look the way you do. INSPIRE THEM.

2. Meditation

I'm by far the worst at this. Taking 5 minutes out of your day to sit or lay still and try and clear the mind? Here's my process.... 

"ooooommmmmm.... ooommmmm... ommmMAN I have so much to get done...Ooo is baby awake? ....OmmmmNomnomnom Steak sounds so good.... Man I'm hungry... is that the time?"

Seriously I'm terrible. I've ended up taking a Stress Management class at UVU to figure out how to deal with all my inability to relax. I also found an app that's all about forcing you to sit still through a guided meditation. Give your brain a break. I use this right when I finish my evening rituals and then I sit alone in my living room and meditate when all is quiet, right before bed. I'll tell you, I'm sleeping better, deeper, and waking up more refreshed and I have a clearer mind that's ready to work. Take that time. Empty your brain. Take care of the laundry later, and forget everything that you have no control over, even if it's for 5 minutes.

1. Learn to say "NO"

This one I did save for last. Have you ever gotten to that point where you're teaching 22 classes like I was, basically 5ish classes PER DAY... (which PS is soooo unhealthy, take my word for it)... and then your phone rings... *beeeeep beeeeep Buzzzz Buzzzz* "Hey I need help tonight. Can you sub for me?"

Again, if in a dire emergency, please help a sister/brother out and take the class... but if someone else can, LET THEM. You do not need to be teaching a million classes to be a good instructor. In fact, I'm pretty sure it ends up wearing you down enough to leave you being a TERRIBLE instructor. You're tired... so everyone else gets tired before they begin, because they're vibing off your lack of energy. They end up finding someone that's well rested and pumped for their one class a week... Who are your student's going to go with? The sleepy, unmotivated instructor? Or the ridiculously energetic instructor? Yeah... The second one. THAT, and you age faster, you get injured easier, etc, etc. You're just a downward spiral of an instructor if you overdo. Say no. Just do it. Your body and brain will thank you, and your students will forgive you.

I know this is by far the longest post I think I have ever written, but I do hope that you took time to read it, and that you'll honestly take time for you. You're human. It's okay to act human. 

You don't want to over do now, and end your career in 2 years because you didn't take care of your one and only body.

If this list is completely overwhelming, I understand. Try one thing at a time for at least a week. Find things you love to do, for YOU.

Love you all.

ME: Weakness and finding strength today.

I'll be honest.
I'm exhausted.
Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I've been sick all week with an illness no one can figure out.. I'm super upset.

The only thing that usually makes me feel better-exercise, isn't physically possible.
I have been trapped in my basement, black hole of an apartment alone with my poor child whom I cannot take care of, because I'm confined to my couch, and the toilet side.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm so over not being able to do simple things like clean my house, and take care of Ashton as well as everything else. I haven't worked in a solid week. 

I need my healthy body back.

I need my motivation back.

I need Andrea back.

Okay. I'm done venting. I'm sorry. 

I'm grateful for things too.

My sister, Ali is in my kitchen washing my dishes as I sit here complaining.

My friends have brought in dinners, flowers and sent me kind notes and messages of encouragement and love.

My God has looked upon me and probably laughed at how dumb I look writhing about on the floor, but he has been with me. He has given me the sweetest little boy that when I'm crying or moping on the floor, will come tackle me and growl and laugh and smile at me until I can muster up the energy to smile and laugh back.

I've had help at work from Shelly, and Michelle and Hettie who have been so supportive, and have made time to help me even though they have lives, families and other responsibilities to attend to.

I've had Dr. John working to help me although he is SOOOOO busy. He's taken out his extra time to try and get me in for all these tests and things to help solve the medical mystery that is Andrea Veenker.

Also so grateful for Al, Lindsey, Tasi and my Scott who have helped me just by letting me cry and vent and talk, and just hugging me and telling me kind words. Thank you Scott for the blessings and the help with Ashton when I can't do anything.

Although I am upset, hurting and in tears 97% of the time, my heart is full at the love and support shown to me as I've been sick.

I'm not a negative person, so I'm probably driving everyone so crazy lately, and they still come back to help time and time again.

Thank you everyone. Thank you family, friends and medical professionals for the work and help.

As for me, I'm going to find a craft I can do to keep my chin up in this hard time.. also a craft that can be done from my living room floor seeing as this is where I've been and will be for a while.

Love,
Me.